"OI, ref , this kid's too old. Get this lanky joke off!"
Ever since he was playing schoolboy football, Peter Crouch
has been a target of attention - often unwelcome - because of his height
Breaking into professional football and, by now 6ft 7in, he
had to get used to chants from the stands.
"Freak, freak, freak! Does the circus know you're
here?"
And, of course, much of it has been far, far worse - either
to his face or via social media.
On one occasion, he was spotted by a group of 30 lads on a
stag party while he was waiting in the departure lounge at
Manchester Airport to take a flight to Ibiza for a short break to Ibiza with his partner (now his wife),
Abbey.
Some of the abuse was so vitriolic - and frightening to
Abbey - that they decided to vacate the flight, drive to London
and catch a flight from Heathrow the next day.
Another time, he was "cracked in the face" at a nightclub while carrying a tray of drinks from the bar to his friends. His assailant fled the scene and was never apprehended.
These have been the downsides of being a professional footballer, but,
during an impressive playing career, Crouch has taken it all in his (long)
stride and, more often than not, seen an amusing side.
And most of it has been immense fun. "I've loved almost
every minute of it," he says.
Co-written with Tom Fordyce, How To Be A Footballer is different from the run-of-the-mill
football autobiography where the author chronicles his journey through life,
sometimes taking the opportunity to settle a few scores en route
In fact, it is not really an autobiography at all - he wrote that 10 years ago.
Instead, it is a whistlestop tour of various facets of the
world of football - more about what happens off the pitch than what happens on
it.
For instance, Crouch casts his eye over such subjects as
tattoos, musical tastes, superstitions, clothes, media interviews, taking
penalties and the team bus - but not
referees (he's perhaps
saving that up for another book).
On the subject of transfers, he confesses it is "so
cloak-and-dagger that even those at the centre of it aren't really sure what's
happening".
He continues: "The only thing you can say with
certainty is that there will always be someone, somewhere who is having the
wool pulled over their eyes."
It's all written with wry affection in which Crouch is
generous to pretty well everyone, even hard-as-nail defenders whose challenges
have come close to threatening a career which, incidentally, has taken in such
clubs as QPR, Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Norwich, Southampton,
Liverpool,
Stoke and Spurs, not to mention caps for England.
Many of his observation are laugh-out-loud funny and he
acknowledges the amount of money players are paid is preposterous, almost
comically so, resulting in ridiculous extravagances by some players - particularly
when it comes to accumulating cars and/or houses.
Crouch makes plenty of jokes at his own expenses - for
instance, his sense of outrage when he was charged £250 for a haircut that
should have cost no more than £10.
But he also makes some serious points which will strike a
chord with fans.
For instance, he describes the fashion of disembarking from the team bus at a
matchday ground while wearing headphones as "a crime".
He explains: "This is the moment when you should be
thrilling to the presence of the fans.
“Embrace it. Don't shun the very people who pay your
wages."
He is also unimpressed by players (take a bow, Thierry Henry
and Romelu Lukaku) who fail to celebrate after scoring.
"It looks a little arsey,"he writes. "If you
don’t enjoy scoring goals, there's something wrong in your internal circuitry."
"The non-celebration ruins it for the fans. Hang on: is
he offside or something? Why is he not as happy as me?
"Reflect the fans' happiness - don't squash it."
Of goalkeepers, he notes: "They live their lives under
the ultimate jeopardy. Do your job and no one cares - make one mistake and you kill your team.
"You will be remembered not for your best save but for
your worst mistake."
How
To Be A Footballer is published at £20 by Ebury Press and
available wherever books are sold.
